Deep Pain; Profound Grief: Dealing with the Aftermath of Betrayal

In yesterday’s post, I asked readers how they have been impacted by deception and/or betrayal. Here are some words they wrote back:

Completely disillusioned
Used
Shaken to the core
Traumatic
Life altering
Incalculable sense of loss
Deep pain
Utterly beaten down
Still struggling
Shattered

How does betrayal have such devastating consequences in our lives?

I think there at least four significant implications involved in an act of betrayal.

The traitor is someone to whom we gave our trust. This might be sharing of personal or classified information, entrusting with family or resources, or connection to someone who has some level of care over us.
We believe this person has our best interests at heart.
The betrayer violates that trust and/or abuses the position of authority with one or more acts of intentional harm, egregious disloyalty or calculated/indiscriminate divulgence of information.
The act sideswipes and shatters us, usually because it was unexpected and feels so double-handed, especially from one who should protect us.

The Biblical definition and uses of the root word for betray resound with incredible anguish of soul. These include nuances of handing someone over to an evil agent or intent; to be judged, condemned, punished, scourged, tormented, put to death; or to be imprisoned and harassed and tormented with evils.

This is really hard stuff!

How on earth do we recover from this depth of treason and duplicity?

Shouldn’t we be entitled to fight back and see that justice is done to the double-crosser? Wouldn’t we be justified in giving back “an eye for an eye” so that person knows how deeply we have been hurt and the treacherous one suffers as we have?

Whew! I can get really riled up going down that path! Simply writing those words without consciously thinking of an event puts my stomach into a knot. My neck and chest feel tight and my pulse has increased. I am taking a moment to breathe deeply and relax.

(This is a good illustration of the desire for vengeance taking its own toll upon my body and soul. The more I indulge my mind in thinking up scenarios, the more my body will respond with negative energy and increased desire to play out all the retributive actions in my head. The ironic thing is that the perpetrator of my pain will not be affected in the least by the vitriol I hold inside. However, I can suffer incredible physical/mental/emotional distress now and in the future as I continue to imagine grief to inflict upon another.)

I am pondering that perhaps a good bit of our personal pain has to do with betrayal to some degree. It may be promises which were not kept or expectations unmet, unkind remarks from a friend, or bad advice that went sour. On the more extreme end, we have intentional acts of violence, theft, or destruction of one’s reputation.

Side note: Help me out, readers. Do you think the degree of agony is less for acts on the “milder” side of the continuum? Why or why not?

So, how do I obtain relief from my suffering, see that the vandal of my peace and security gets justice, and keep myself from getting sick by stewing on all of this?

Those answers deserve good, well-thought out answers, so I will devote the next post to exploring what we do next. Stick with me. Good things are coming.