Emotions, Scriptures

Forgiveness for Betrayal: Is it Even Possible?

Holly Craw

Forgiveness is easy. Put it all behind you and move on.

Said nobody ever who has been devastated by perfidy and treachery

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon to hear lines like this, even for the worst of personal tragedies and betrayals, sometimes even by Christian leaders. We seem to believe that the human spirit is indomitable, suffering is bad, and the effects of egregious sin are of no consequence. Further, we should never have feelings of rage, resentment and desire for revenge against another person.

Have you heard some of these admonitions when you have been hurt? How did you feel when these were spoken to you?

I believe that those who encourage a quick road out of the immense loss of betrayal are adding to the damage done by the act itself in three ways:

  • They minimize the destructive impact of the deed on the betrayed one’s soul. The person may feel that s/he has been irreparably ripped apart. The violation has shattered trust and torpedoed the relationship.
  • They assume that “say your sorry” and “kiss and make up” can solve all the problems. The offender may not apologize and the victim likely will vehemently resist returning to the relational status quo.
  • They ignore the critical need for the perpetrator to be held accountable and receive justice. This gives tacit approval for what s/he has done and allows free rein to continue the destructive behavior, perhaps violating the same person again.

What does forgiveness really mean?

Forgive: To cease to feel resentment against, on account of wrong committed; to give up claim to requital from or retribution upon (an offender); to absolve; to pardon;

Websters Revised Unabridged Dictionary

When I refuse to forgive, I easily become embroiled with resentment and desire for some kind of payback or revenge. I think about the deed or words incessantly. It negatively affects my sleep, my attitude, my relationships, my motivation, and my joy. Life centers around what that person did to me and how unfair it is. The event sucks away my energy as I constantly replay the drama in my mind and add to it the ways I will get even.

Am I the only one who can go down this dark road, or can you relate?

In short, this bitterness holds me in bondage and consumes me. (Anyone suffering physical or emotional effects from internalized anger and stress?)

Photo by Engin Akyurt on Pexels.com

Ironically, the offender never feels my rage unless I act it out (and then I have consequences). S/he is not punished in the least and does not lose a wink of sleep because of my fury. Instead, I severely abuse myself with my internalized hatred, and my life is barely worth living. (Even acting out my revenge does not bring relief to the foulness of my heart and mind.)

Scriptures use several words for forgiveness. The most common is apheimi which means to send away or release. One specific part sheds this light on the usage: to depart from one and leave him to himself, so that all mutual claims are abandoned. Instead of letting the violator run my life through my own thoughts, I can disengage from the madness and let him face his own natural and divine consequences.

Forgiveness comes at a great cost as I give up the right to hold on to and absorb the pain of the offense and choose to release the shackles that are holding me down and destroying me. It still accounts for the evil of the deed and the guilt of the perpetrator, but I am able to leave the demand for justice in the proper hands (the Lord’s and/or civil authorities). I can be free to move forward and reclaim peace and joy. I can experience God’s grace in my life and draw close to Him.

This is not easy. It may be the hardest thing we ever do. But it is the only way to heal and recover from the abusive and devastating situation.

In the next posts, I will present some tangible steps for working through forgiveness:

Stay with me and keep reading. There is hope and God’s ways bring unimaginable blessings.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32

What are our thoughts about forgiveness after a profound betrayal? Where has your struggle taken you? Please share in the comments or send me an email if you would rather.