The Forgiveness Process Step Two: Clarify the Offenses

The effects of betrayal are like dandelion seeds scattered in the wind. The resulting weeds continue to pop up in unexpected places.

Opening the box of books which had been stolen from my place of business, I was immediately thrust back into the myriad of feelings and experiences from the relationship which had been built on lies and deception. Maybe even more deeply, for I felt a visceral anger and gut-wrenching disbelief at the extent of the con job.

Even though I had worked through forgiving the offender, the intensity of my reaction to this new revelation shocked me. I had been hoodwinked in yet another way; this, too, had been right under my nose. This offense was not only against me, but against the company and the community of people who depended on us.

I learned how crucial it is to count the full cost of an offense as part of the forgiveness process. The trouble is, the full toll is not known or identifiable right away. Various ramifications may rear up months or years down the road. Each needs to be named, grieved, and addressed in its time as part of Step 2 of the forgiveness process.

For illustration, let’s examine one life-changing event: a child is molested by a family member at age 10. Profound changes impact every part of the victim. The chart below lists only a few of the possible outcomes, especially if the youngster is not believed or given proper treatment. The immediate impacts can be clarified and the process repeated as others arise. Even later in life, you can facilitate recovery through this process.

Step 2: Clarify the offenses

Pray for God to reveal the full picture and provide the courage to examine and disclose it.
What happened specifically?
How did the child feel during the event and now?
What are the consequences of the violation–current and in retrospect?

One offense may have multiple hooks in different areas of life which negatively impact the abused one. Each of these represents a loss which needs to be counted as part of the cost of the offense against you. Just as in a court case, all the charges are spelled out individually to hold the perpetrator accountable for specific details, so in God’s economy, the violations against us need to be named and added to the list.

With prayer and your support team, determine which point to cover first.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions and to grieve the loss.
The more specific you get, the more you are able to recognize how that event (or series of events) changed you and robbed you of the life God designed for you.

This is a process and a spiritual battle. The Lord and your trusted friends will stand with you and uphold you. You may only be able to name and deal with a few things at first. That is okay. Add to the list as the Holy Spirit brings more things to mind. These hooks have been thrust into your heart and soul and they are all a tangled mess together.

Give yourself grace in the process. Remember, your younger self did what s/he knew at the time and was not equipped to deal with the wiles of someone older, more powerful, or in authority. If you find yourself blaming or hating that child, list this as one of the consequences of the abuse.

This is hard and possibly terrifying work! Getting it all out in the open takes away some of the hidden grenades the pain can throw into your life at unexpected moments. If you are starting this journey to your own freedom through forgiveness, I commend you. You are taking the steps to reclaim the abundant life Jesus promised! You are valuable enough to deserve healing and a new start!

Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; to see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.
Psalm 134:23-24

What has it been like for you to count the full cost of an offense against you? How can I pray for you?