The Forgiveness Process Step 4: Building Trust

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.
Nelson Mandela

I was so angry! I needed a release for my pent up emotions. I jumped vigorously on my rebounder for several minutes until my energy was spent.

The argument with my husband devastated me. I still raged inwardly the next morning at his harsh treatment and spiteful words. Not wanting to take it out on my young children, I forcefully exercised and exhausted myself.

After my body released some of the violent tension, my mind continued to recall the event throughout the day. I couldn’t think clearly, I was deeply hurt and resentful, and I knew things could not continue this way. For my own peace of mind, I needed to confess to the Lord my bitterness and hostile thoughts about him.

Forgiveness is really a matter of my heart. I need to clarify and name the hooks of pain, lies, and repercussions which have invaded my being through the betrayal or abuse. I must allow the Holy Spirit to remove them from my heart and bring them to the cross of Christ to be replaced with healing, truth, and life. Next, I must look at myself.

Sin against me usually evokes a sinful attitude and/or behaviors in me. Hatred, bitterness, thoughts of revenge, unkindness, manipulative behavior, harsh comments, or outright meanness fill my heart and soul.

If I don’t turn that on the person who hurt me, I will turn it on myself or someone else. This vileness will leak/explode out in some way. The longer I harbor it, the more powerful it becomes as a cancer in my entire being.

So, what do I do?

Ask the Lord to reveal inner or outward sinful responses to the abuser or to others.
Confess and surrender these with the process in Step 3.
Continue this as long and often as needed. One woman shared that her three-year old daughter was abused in every possible way by a teen boy. She plotted deep revenge in her mind out of her intense rage at him. She recounts surrendering the thoughts and desire hundreds of times daily so she would not destroy herself and others with her malevolence.

God has your back! For each piece you surrender, He replaces what you give Him with something of Himself. This is often the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law (Galatians 5:22-23).

We aren’t designed to handle sin alone. These transgressions were committed in relationships where trust was broken; true healing comes when we are able to rebuild trust with appropriate others and with God.

As we truthfully lay out our own responses to the violations against us to others, we move into a new way of relating. In vulnerability, we allow others to see behind the facade and to love us the way we are. As they treat us with care, we grow in confidence toward them and the relationship deepens. The same is true with God.

These ideas may facilitate baby steps toward redeveloping trust in God and His people.

Ask God to increase your faith and trust in Him and His trustworthy people
Talk with your friend about the experience of clarifying the offenses (Step 2), removing the hooks (Step 3), and confessing your own sinful and unhealthy responses.
What did you feel going through the process?
How are you feeling now?
Was anything triggered?
What do you need from your friend right now to be centered and come back to a place of safety in your mind?

Moving into wholeness in these ways is costly. The exercise requires humility, willingness to surrender, courage to face the wrongs on both sides, and a determination to continue for the greatest good of healing and freedom.

You can do this with God’s help and transformation! You have God and His army of angels and other believers on your team!

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
James 5:16

Where are you in the process of seeing your responses to sins against you?

How have you been rebuilding trust? What makes this process hard for you?