As long as you don’t forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy a rent-free space in your mind.
Isabelle Holland
Your future is wide open only to the extent that you don’t allow the pain or regrets of the past to dictate your present.
The effects of pain
Great pain from relational violation leaves a massive hole in our hearts which creates disproportionate needs for love and affirmation. That rawness seems like a gaping chasm that can never be filled, no matter how much we try to put in it.
We grasp for anything that even hints at fulfillment without realizing the pit is bottomless. Nothing satisfies and we believe that we are “too much” for anyone to handle.
Is there any antidote? Are we doomed to be consumed by profound and permanent consequences of interpersonal defilement?
The antidote
I believe there is great healing through the forgiveness process. It is not always linear, and there are individual variations in the steps and the order. However, the components bring us forward to the goal of complete freedom. In review, we have walked through this path:
- Being in a place of safety
- Clarifying the offenses
- Removing the hooks of the pain and after-effects
- Confessing my own sinful responses and rebuilding trust
- Examining my heart toward the offender and giving up the right to revenge
- Healing and transformation for myself
My friend observed, “As I receive more healing, it seems that the need for inordinate amounts of love is lessened.”
I theorize that the acts of surrender in the process allow God to begin shrinking the hole, strengthening the sides with truth and filling it with His love and grace. The unplumbed depths take on a shape that moves closer to a normal desire for emotional nurture.
At this point, we can work the next steps.
Extending grace
- Surrender the offender to God.
- God has promised the perfect vengeance and retribution.
- Let Him take that burden from you.
- Ask the Lord to disentangle your present and future from that person’s acts
- Allow the Lord to transform your mind and heart toward the person to see him/her as a human and in need of the same grace and forgiveness you have received.
- Continue to feed on the truth of God’s character
- Review and declare the truth of who you are, with and without the grace of God
- Remember that the playing field is leveled on both sides of the cross: Without Christ, none of us deserve anything from God and the power of resurrection and redemption are available to all who choose to submit to the Lord and His ways.
- Ask for God’s grace to soften your heart to extend grace to the transgressor–acting in kindness and prayer for his/her repentance and/or salvation at the minimum.
The result
Acts of grace and kindness bestow many benefits to those involved. First, they transform our hearts from fountains of bitterness to streams of life. When we surrender revenge and malice and allow the Holy Spirit to conform us to the image of Christ, we can be filled with the fruit of the Spirit. This will manifest in gracious words and gestures of goodwill toward others. The more we practice compassion and charity, the more this will grow in us.
Second, when there is no opposing animosity toward the offender, s/he remains the only voice of contention. The Holy Spirit often uses such a scenario to convict the person of his/her wrongdoing. This may lead to repentance and/or salvation.
Third, since our fight is actually a spiritual battle, we are using God’s instruments of warfare when we act in love, truth, and wisdom, rather than fighting with Satan’s weapons. We have the full power of the Trinity standing with us to accomplish His holy purposes.
This step comes at the end of the forgiveness process. Until we have traveled through the other components, we don’t have any space in our hearts or minds for such costly beneficence. When our healing has begun, we are able to partner with the Lord to show His life and leave the results to Him. Be assured that He will accomplish His purposes.
I ask that out of the riches of His glory He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. Then you, being rooted and grounded in love, will have power, together with all the saints, to comprehend the length and width and height and depth of His love, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:16-21
Now to Him who is able to do so much more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
I choose to stand on the side of the Creator and His power when I have been hurt. What about you?
Designed to Draw Near 