The Forgiveness Process: 9 Steps to a Changed Heart Start with Safety

Extending forgiveness can be excruciatingly painful, especially for deep and/or continuing violations!

As mentioned in yesterday’s post, the benefit of forgiveness is primarily for the victim in order to move on to wholeness and a life not dominated by hate for the offender.

Steve Tracy discusses the process of forgiveness in Mending the Soul and provides a 5-step framework for the process. I have expanded this to include specific actions which give direction to the work of recovery and provide milestones for the journey. Each step will be expanded in subsequent articles. The process may look different for each person, but these are core elements.

1. Safety for the victim
2. Clarify the offense and the consequences
3. Remove the “hooks” of the consequences
4. Rebuild trust
5. Let go of revenge
6. Surrender my feelings and seek healing
7. Surrender the offender
8. Allow my heart to be transformed to understand offender’s needs
9. Extend grace to offender

STEP ONE: Safety for the victim

When the offense includes any type of abuse–physical, mental, verbal/emotional, sexual, spiritual, or even financial–the victim needs to be in a place of safety. These power plays often overlap, and can lead to deep depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations, and even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in the victim. It is nearly impossible to think about much beyond the basic survival needs while in midst of the situation.

Once getting free, the abused one may need some dedicated assistance learning to feel safe and begin to trust enough to start the process of forgiveness. This is a huge topic in itself and I may return to it in future articles. For now, I will assume that the person has attained some understanding of the dynamics of the the offense(s) and is ready to move forward.

Physical safety

Things get more complicated if you try to make changes while in the midst of a volatile situation. Often if the abuser senses that you are trying to get out of the situation, even if only through becoming a stronger person, s/he may become more abusive, controlling and dangerous. If this is your situation, please reach out to community social service agencies which can assist with a safety plan and essential resources for getting to a safe location.

Emotional Safety

Are you in the company of support people who can understand what you are going through, validate your experiences and feelings, offer appropriate support and walk with you through the journey? Sometimes those who have been deeply wounded are susceptible to others who exude care and promise to work for your best interest, but often have their own agendas of control and manipulation. (Discerning and avoiding such people is another topic.)

Spiritual safety

Will your support person or team provide solid Biblical truth, directing you to Scripture and the cross, with grace, encouragement, and prayer? This is a spiritual battle, and we are not equipped to break free of the enemy on our own. (Again, stay away from those who may prove to be unreliable and disparaging.)

Relational safety

Can you trust the support person(s) to work with you for your best interest? Even if you are not able to trust God yet, trustworthy people can help trust God on your behalf. Betrayal and abuse occur in relationships where trust for God and man is shattered. Trust can only be rebuilt in connection with other people. This takes time and requires friends who can accept you and your experiences without judgment, allow you to express your feelings, and encourage you to keep going when the pain is overwhelming–without looking for something from you.

Getting to this place of safety and readiness may take some time, perhaps a very long time. We tend to stay in what is known, even when it is damaging and counter-productive. It can be terrifying to change course because there are so many unknowns! Believe me, it is totally worth the risk for your own health.

Give grace to yourself if you are starting this forgiveness process. Ask someone to stand with you and continue to pray for you that you can be willing to take the journey with the help of Jesus.

You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.

Job 11:18 NIV

Then you would trust, because there is hope; And you would look around and rest securely.

Job 11:18 NASB

What does safety mean to you? How has this been a part of your forgiveness process?

(c) 2020 Holly Craw